Well, I promised to be honest through this process of losing our little one. I've been struggling lately. I'm not really sure why. Its just been a hard two weeks, and continues to be. This morning at church was the hardest. A few people at church are pregnant and due around the same time I was or within a month or two. I'm very excited for them, but its also hard for me to see that, and think that is where I would be. So many people ask how I am doing, and I can tell that they aren't ready to hear what is really going through my mind. Those that I would share that information with don't really understand because they've not been through this before. Then I start a pity party because they've never been through this, why do I have to go through this? Why can't I just talk to one person who is also dealing with this? I know that even if someone has experienced this, there really isn't anything they can say or do to make it better. It's just so frustrating. I mentioned to someone (I felt safe sharing with) this week that I am still really dealing with the loss of our baby, and they were surprised by that?! I am dealing with the loss of a baby, a child in our family. I will admit, previously I have recovered more quickly from our losses, but this time I was closer to half way through my pregnancy at 15 weeks, and I had made many plans. I had begun to think of names, nursery decor, and plan our summer according to have a baby. Now I am in those days that I had planned to be getting clothes and baby things ready, and instead my womb is empty.
I mentioned previously that we were having testing done on the baby to see what caused the miscarriage. The results are in, and they don't really help us to know why we have had three out of five pregnancies end in miscarriage. The baby had an extra set of chromosomes, and could not survive with that. That is one of the leading causes of miscarriage, so it does not raise our risk for miscarriage. Now we are waiting to find out if our insurance will cover genetic testing on each of us to see if there is anything that could have come up in the other pregnancies that miscarried. Previously, they were chalked up to just something that happens, but three is enough to start looking into and questioning why this would happen to what seems like a healthy couple.
I guess I am sharing this because I want others to understand what I and others who may go through this are dealing with. I need you to continue to pray for me and my family. Pray for peace and comfort, for friends with whom I can share and have true understanding.
Thanks for visting my blog and for your kind words. This entry is very well-written and so descriptive of what I've been going through too. I find myself thinking the same thoughts; including wanting to talk to someone who has been through it but knowing that any comforting words they can offer me will be short-lived and the anxiety will soon return. I am so sorry to hear that you have had multiple losses; I also can't imagine losing a baby 15 weeks into a pregnancy and after two previous losses....the pain of that must be unbearable to what I'm going through.
ReplyDeleteAfter losing 5 babies to miscarriage and most of them due to the chromosomes problem, and also one live child I do know your sense of loss. Right whenyou should be planning you can't and you have to find something else to do. I am dealing with 2 frustrated angry children too, they lost their brother and friend. Sobbing is my middle name right now. Yes Mandy it is so hard, I am struggling too - you can come over and talk to me and we will both cry on the couch while our little ones play - call me or perhaps I should call you. Love you Juls
ReplyDeleteI have sensed that you were still struggling with your loss. I don't understand what you're going through, but I have been and will continue to pray for you. Karen Harris
ReplyDeleteJust remember that grieving is a process. Don't feel badly for what is only natural. Will other's understand? No. Does God feel your pain? Yes. His hands are cradeling you, and you are not alone. I often tell Dave, I'm so excited to get to heaven and meet our little one that we lost! How special he/she must have been to get a direct pass to heaven! I love the thought that he/she is being taken care of by the best baby sitter there is!! I love you, and want you to know that you have the freedome to be real around me. Don't be so hard on yourself!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry! I was JUST thinking about this and wondering if you got your results back. Did they test for the sex of the baby? SOme ppl name the ones they lost! ((hugs))
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