This is what it means to be held....

Today was a long day. It was better than I expected, just long. I surprised myself at how well I held up as far as talking to others about our loss. I feel tears coming on each time someone mentions how sorry they are, or that they have been lifting us up in prayer. I think this is because I know how much I need this. I can't imagine living through this without my Savior to lean on, to cry to, to talk to.

Natalie Grant's song, Held, was playing this morning on the way to church. I haven't heard it in a long time, a very long time. How providential that I should hear it now. I understand exactly what it means. I'm experiencing the pain, disappointment, heartache, anger, and sorrow, among others, that God created me to feel. Through all of this, He is holding me close to his heart. He understands each of my feelings.

I'm learning through all of this to be more real. I am very much a people pleaser. That's nothing new to me. But I feel that in order for me to heal properly from this, I need to let others know how I'm truly feeling. I didn't run around saying, we're doing fine, with a smile on my face today. I didn't feel like it, and it wasn't real. And by telling others how I really feel, I was able to get to know them better today, either through hearing their stories, or discussing mine, or just sharing with them how to best pray for me this week. Maybe I even healed just a little today. That is what the church is supposed to be about. Sharing, healing, and encouraging one another in their walk with Christ. And that is what it is being to me and my family through this. So while I would not have asked for this experience, even would have begged God to change it had I known it was coming, I am not asking why quite so much now. I'm learning and growing, yet still grieving all that could have been. Dreams have been lost, but God is showing me some new dreams.