Brutally honest

Its been a week. I'm still pretty emotional, especially when I'm tired. It seems like everyone and everything around me right now is about babies, or pregnancy. I'm so excited for each one! But its hard for me not to ask why I have to walk this path. I don't understand why, but I know that Jesus is carrying me through. I know that I have and am growing closer to Him through all of this.

Many people tell me they are praying for me. I'm so glad, because I couldn't get through a day without that. I'll probably cry if you say anything to me, so don't worry, I'm okay with crying.

Its hard for me to talk about my feelings right now. If I try, I generally cry too much to talk. So here they are. This is not for the weak at heart. I'm being brutally honest about my thoughts right here. I don't want pity. I want others to understand and know how to pray for me. Here are some thoughts I'm dealing with right now:
-I should be feeling my baby move this week.
-In four weeks, our big ultrasound was scheduled.
-I was somewhat prepared for this to happen 5-6 weeks ago, but there was a heartbeat then, so I began to let myself dream about this baby (after 2 other miscarriages, I try to protect myself), thinking we were mostly in the clear at 10-11 weeks. We had seen and heard the heartbeat at least 3 times, and the saying is that the risk drops once you have seen the heartbeat.
-I so want to just be pregnant again, but I'm scared to death to wait through that first 12 weeks again. I don't want to go through this anymore. It makes me want to quit having babies, its so scary. I contradict myself all day on this discussion.
-My body is going through some strange things right now adjusting to this physical change, and once in a while, I think I feel the baby move, then have to remind myself that I am not pregnant anymore.
-Chromosomal tests are being run on the baby. I worry about what the results may be. I'm also scared that for some reason the doctor will say we shouldn't have anymore.
-How am I supposed to return to normal life, when I should be celebrating a new life inside me, rather than mourning it?

Randomness

MMMM.... Doesn't that look yummy? Lasagna, chocolate mousse, and cinnamon sweet bread! My sweet friend Crystal brought all of this over for dinner for my family last night! It was SO good! The bread isn't baked here, but I stuck it in the oven last night, and it was a wonderful breakfast for Bianca and me! Bianca especially enjoyed the chocolate mousse. Even after she and I ate supper last night, you couldn't even tell we had broken into it yet. This will last us for a while, and I'm very excited about that! I LOVE leftovers!

I also have to mention my other precious friends who have brought meals over for us! Adrienne lovingly pulled a meal from her freezer as soon as I talked to her last Wednesday after my horrible doctor appointment and brought dinner to us. She also cared for the girls while I had my procedure on Thursday. She has been such an awesome friend throughout this difficult time! Thanks you so much Adrienne!!

Susan also brought over a meal on Friday night for us. Spinach stuffed shells, salad, and bread sticks, yum! Did I mention that I LOVE Italian food? Cheesy, tomato-y heaven! It was SO good!! Sadly, I was on Vicodin when all of these meals arrived, and a little under the weather, so I didn't get pictures of all of that yummy food. It was appreciated none the less.

Bianca and I ventured out of the house yesterday, and I found some fabric marked down at Walmart that I absolutely love! These are colors that I am not normally drawn to, but for some reason, I fell in love (or maybe just like) with these. I'm not completely sure what I'm going to make yet, but I had to share them!

Of course, the princess material along with the pink are for Bella. I promised her a while back that I would make her a bag, while I was crocheting one (that is still not finished). I thought she would really like this. It even has sparkles on it!

I had to show you these up close. I thought I knew what I wanted to do with them, but now I'm not sure. Any ideas?

And then there is this fabric.

I confess, it wasn't marked down, but I just couldn't resist! It reminded me so much of spring and summer, and I love the colors! I'm even thinking of using it in the girls' room makeover. Their room is painted cream and sage, and they are beyond their nursery things, since Bella is now in a twin bed. Anyhow, they even have matching material in the striped print and the green daisy print. Let me know what you think. I bought a couple yards of it, but I could always get more!

And to top it off, this is the view from my living room! Its snowing, but you can't see it! I've been waiting all winter for this snow, we are supposed to be getting 6-10 inches tonight! I'm very excited about this! Maybe Scott will get to use that snow blower yet!:) We are snuggling up and staying in tonight, flipping back and forth between American Idol and Biggest Loser. What are you up to ??

I haven't forgotten about your questions. I'm saving them for the next few days when I have nothing to post about:) When I post about your question, I'll also be featuring your blog (if you have one!) in the post! Yay!

What do you want to know?

I'm in a funk. Is it really any surprise? So here's your chance. What do you want to know about me or something I have blogged about? Ask me anything. I'll try my best to answer your questions. And if no one asks me anything, you'll just be stuck listening to me blabbering, trying to come up with something to post about! Ha! Won't that be fun?! So, bring on the questions!

In other news, I am taking this week off. Bella is with Nina for the week, and we are resting, relaxing, and recovering. I'm still on vicodin, so I'm feeling pretty good:) If anything here doesn't make sense, that's probably why.

I am doing okay, but am still some pain physically. Beginning to get past the weeping, and I can almost talk about the baby without crying. Right now I am dealing with rearranging my dreams of the future. I had started picturing our family with three children this year, ages four and under, and maybe I'm crazy, but I was looking forward to the fun it would be! The Lord has been good, and He has been my comfort and my refuge. I have given Him my dreams, and He is giving me a new dream. I look forward with joy at what He has in store for our family!

We covet your prayers at this time

I had a very disappointing doctor appointment today. I should be almost 15 weeks along in my pregnancy, but we learned that our dear baby died about 5 weeks ago. Because I have had no signs of miscarriage, I had no idea. I will be going in for a d&c tomorrow at 12:30 pm. Please pray for our family, as we grieve the loss of this child, and our little Bella tries to understand why our baby is in heaven.

This is the third time I have miscarried, and our doctor feels it is time to do some chromosomal testing to see if there is an issue there. Pray that the Lord will give us clear guidance in this area, and a peace about when or if there will be another baby in our future.

Update on Bella

Thank you all for your input. Trish, I tear up when I read your comment. I DO want a child who will stick to her guns no matter what, especially in this day and age! So how do I teach her has to be for the right things?! You are right, I daily find myself sending up prayers about how to handle her. I cannot win a battle with her, she is too stubborn, so I have to be careful not to make it a battle, KWIM? I should have known the first time I spanked her, and she laughed and spanked herself! And I know it hurt!

Thus far, we are finishing off the cleaning out process. Today, she actually had enough control to sit on the toilet and go! We did the happy dance! Now to see what the true effects of the miralax will be. As soon as I know she is eating enough to get the job done, I will take her off slowly, and start some stool softeners.

As for food, I have hesitated on buying any cookbooks, as she will not try anything new. So unless there are recipes about how to sneak things into pizza sauce, peanut butter, or spaghettios, its not happening with her. I didn't think 4 recipes would be enough to justify the book, but I may see if I can get it at the library to browse.

We are handling feeding very differently with Bianca now. She refused baby food from the beginning, preferring something with some solidity to it. I even tried making my own. She doesn't like the texture, and has even refused chocolate pudding! She went straight to table food! I'm not fully convinced that some of Bella's issues didn't root themselves in the whole issue of jar baby food. I remember when she started refusing anything green, then it grew to carrots, etc, until she would only eat table food. Being the naive mother I was, I thought she needed certain foods, and made her a meal separate from ours. So she got hot dogs a lot. I know, really healthy, but I did buy the all beef ones.... Anywho, eventually she started eating our meals, but she has been a picky eater ever since. So, Bianca now gets whatever we are having. There are very few things she'll turn down when she's really hungry. In fact, I can't even eat without her tasting what I'm having now. Its the opposite problem!! UGH....

Well, anyhow, just wanted to give a little update on how Bella is doing, and thank you for your advice. I did try a fruit smoothie again, but it was something new, and she wanted nothing to do with it. Luckily, it was all fruit, so Scott was able to enjoy it for breakfast!

Brrrr! Its cold outside!

We have been enjoying a quiet (?!) week at home this week. I finally got the snow I've been wishing for since Thanksgiving! It came a few hours after I declared to the weatherman on television that I did not believe him, that its never going to snow, and my flowers are going to start blooming soon! (It was very dishonest of me, and mostly out of frustration that they kept getting it wrong, but apparently it worked!) We got a snow day out of it, as Scott got to come home early on Wednesday, and church was cancelled. Now we are awaiting some balmier temperatures so that we can go outside to build a snowman. I'm not sure what the high is today, but the low last night was -14*!

We have been dealing with the post-effects of Bella's visit to the doctor this week. She is officially cleaning her system out, I'm sure! We've had an explosion everyday this week, and the toilet has had to be cleaned daily, right after I wipe her down enough to get her in the tub. I've also been working on convincing her that we do, in fact, need to eat more than pb&j for lunch, and have been adding a side to her meal each time. Her choice at this time is chips and salsa. I know. Its not the best way to get vegetables in, but its a start. She still declares that she will eat vegetables when she is "older." What that age is, I have yet to determine! I've also been trying to point out when she does eat vegetables, such as, the ketchup that she LOVES is made of tomatoes, or there are veggies in the pizza sauce. I hope this doesn't make her not want to eat these things, but I thought if she realizes that she is already eating some veggies, it wouldn't hurt to try some others.

I am also getting into my cleaning mood that comes along with each pregnancy. Scott loves this! I do a combination of extreme purging and cleaning. When I was pregnant with Bianca, laundry was always caught up, the house clean, and the floor mopped! That's the last time that happened, too:) Currently, I'm suffering the urge, but not the energy. I can feel it coming, though.

I am very excited about a series of posts that Laura is working on over at Heavenly Homemakers about how she feeds her family. She grinds her own grain, makes her own bread, and focuses on healthy foods. This comes at the perfect time for our family, as Scott is on his Daniel's Fast, and we are realizing just what is in all of the foods we eat. Reading labels will really open your eyes and make you wonder why certain things have to be added to the more popular brands, when the more natural brands do not use them. What really is the purpose? Anyhow, I'm very excited to see what Laura has to share!